Pity Party?

Do you ever have those moments, or days where you think that you are completely alone in the world and you have no idea why? It's just a feeling? Maybe I'm crazy and the only one who gets this way, but the last few days have felt that way. I have people around me, a boyfriend, parents, siblings and friends who love me, (and I love back) yet right now I feel so utterly alone in the world. Normally this is something I would speak about with one of them, but something stops me every time I start the conversation. It's an alien feeling to me. I can usually spout off no matter what the situation, but this time the words fail me. This blog is different, it's almost as if I am writing to everyone and no one at the same time. My family doesn't know that this blog exists, it kind of gives me the freedom to ramble freely about them. Though with the exception of this post there is nothing on here that I haven't spoken to them freely about.

There have been moments these past few days and even maybe further back then that where I feel as if I'm an outsider in my own life. Correction an outsider when it comes to the lives of those I love. I have a brother who lives in the same city but I rarely speak to, not because I don't try but he's not much of a phone person and seems to never leave his house, or really want visitors. A boyfriend who until yesterday with the best of my knowledge had never lied to me, but now I wonder. I know he loves me, but sometimes that is just not enough. I'm coming to the painful realization that no matter how hard you try relationships don't always work even when you believe that you want them to. It has to be a two sided thing and there is a whole lot of one side working on this one. My parents are well, my parents. My dad has never been one for long talks or extreme closeness and well my mom has her life to live. And although I'm an important part, I'm not the ONLY part.

The thing is I can't even run to my best friends house and have a few drinks and complain about it all to her, because she is on the other side of the country. At the moment her life is really complicated (she might lose her job) and my problems seem like nothing more than petty. I'm going to work on shutting this pity party down, because it is not becoming at all. Then I'm going to have a major conversation AGAIN with my boyfriend and see where this once fantastic relationship is going.