Pity Party?

Do you ever have those moments, or days where you think that you are completely alone in the world and you have no idea why? It's just a feeling? Maybe I'm crazy and the only one who gets this way, but the last few days have felt that way. I have people around me, a boyfriend, parents, siblings and friends who love me, (and I love back) yet right now I feel so utterly alone in the world. Normally this is something I would speak about with one of them, but something stops me every time I start the conversation. It's an alien feeling to me. I can usually spout off no matter what the situation, but this time the words fail me. This blog is different, it's almost as if I am writing to everyone and no one at the same time. My family doesn't know that this blog exists, it kind of gives me the freedom to ramble freely about them. Though with the exception of this post there is nothing on here that I haven't spoken to them freely about.

There have been moments these past few days and even maybe further back then that where I feel as if I'm an outsider in my own life. Correction an outsider when it comes to the lives of those I love. I have a brother who lives in the same city but I rarely speak to, not because I don't try but he's not much of a phone person and seems to never leave his house, or really want visitors. A boyfriend who until yesterday with the best of my knowledge had never lied to me, but now I wonder. I know he loves me, but sometimes that is just not enough. I'm coming to the painful realization that no matter how hard you try relationships don't always work even when you believe that you want them to. It has to be a two sided thing and there is a whole lot of one side working on this one. My parents are well, my parents. My dad has never been one for long talks or extreme closeness and well my mom has her life to live. And although I'm an important part, I'm not the ONLY part.

The thing is I can't even run to my best friends house and have a few drinks and complain about it all to her, because she is on the other side of the country. At the moment her life is really complicated (she might lose her job) and my problems seem like nothing more than petty. I'm going to work on shutting this pity party down, because it is not becoming at all. Then I'm going to have a major conversation AGAIN with my boyfriend and see where this once fantastic relationship is going.

On the mend.

So "the talk" went surprisingly well. We had such an honest and open discussion about what we were both feeling and going through. I think the vastly different schedules have added a lot of stress for both of us. It's hard to keep things alive when you don't even see each other.
We are going to try to co-ordinate days off if at all possible and make the most of the time we are together. Things aren't back to where they used to be but I know that we can make it back to that point and for the first time in a long time I'm excited about our relationship and where we are going.
People always say that the spark goes away but I think that if it's meant to be it's always there, it just needs a little encouragement. I mean I still feel the butterflies and think about how lucky I am everyday, even during the bad times I'll look over at him and my heart swells. I know...I know it sounds REALLY corny but it's true. I never in a million years thought that I would be the corny type, but I guess there is a little bit of that in everybody.

Crossroads...

My dad called me today just to let me know that he loves me, apparently he felt that I might need to hear that today. It made my day, which had been long and annoying until then and I did need to hear that.
I should actually say that it made my week, even though the week is only just beginning. It's been one of those weeks where all I want to do is curl up in a ball under my covers and sleep every single day away. My i-Pod playlist is nothing but sad songs.
The mood is mainly due to the immense amount of thinking that I have been doing about my boyfriend and I. Our relationship has hit that crossroads that many relationships hit at some point and time. If we go one way it will be disaster but the other is nothing but bliss, well as close as you can get in the real world that is.
All my friends would say that I am being my usual over analytical self but sometimes when you know you just know. We have reached the point where we are communicating very little. He is the silent let it simmer until it blows type. I think that we need to have "the talk" before it's too late. Which by the way is hard to do when you work opposite schedules. Some days I honestly forget what he looks like.
If you would have asked me a couple months ago I would have told you there was no way the two of us would ever be at this point. He is the only man that I have ever pictured the white dress, house and babies with. I was always the no marriage, no kids type of gal and he changed all that. I finally understood what people meant when they said, just wait until you meet "The one," then you'll understand.
My heart aches at the prospect of this all ending and even just typing about it I have tears flowing down my cheeks. The feelings are all still there. To this day I get butterflies when he smiles and it's just for me or even when I hear his voice on the phone. But lately when I look at him the reflection of those feelings is gone completely from his eyes and I have no idea on how to get that back.

He's coming in now, wish me luck.

9:59pm

Ok, so it's almost 10pm on a Tuesday night and I'm 30 years old writing my first ever blog entry. I won't promise that this blog will be witty or very interesting for you but I'll try my best. I have always been lousy at keeping up with things like this, you know journals, diaries and the like. You may read about annoying people I've met today, my relationship or loads of other things that just run through my mind. Hopefully it doesn't bore you too much. Enjoy.
Tonight I sit at home ALONE, although I don't live alone. As of late it feels as if I do. I guess you can say we've fallen into a "rut" for the lack of a better term. We've been together for 3 years and already "old married couple" syndrome has kicked in. I can't remember the last time anything fun happened in the bedroom or anywhere else for that matter. He works all the time and hates his job and isn't afraid to complain about it constantly. I'm all for listening to those that you love and giving advice where needed but there comes a point when you feel helpless and when your advice constantly gets shot down you slowly stop caring.
I think that is enough whining for tonight let's leave the rest of the exciting details for another time.