Pity Party?

Do you ever have those moments, or days where you think that you are completely alone in the world and you have no idea why? It's just a feeling? Maybe I'm crazy and the only one who gets this way, but the last few days have felt that way. I have people around me, a boyfriend, parents, siblings and friends who love me, (and I love back) yet right now I feel so utterly alone in the world. Normally this is something I would speak about with one of them, but something stops me every time I start the conversation. It's an alien feeling to me. I can usually spout off no matter what the situation, but this time the words fail me. This blog is different, it's almost as if I am writing to everyone and no one at the same time. My family doesn't know that this blog exists, it kind of gives me the freedom to ramble freely about them. Though with the exception of this post there is nothing on here that I haven't spoken to them freely about.

There have been moments these past few days and even maybe further back then that where I feel as if I'm an outsider in my own life. Correction an outsider when it comes to the lives of those I love. I have a brother who lives in the same city but I rarely speak to, not because I don't try but he's not much of a phone person and seems to never leave his house, or really want visitors. A boyfriend who until yesterday with the best of my knowledge had never lied to me, but now I wonder. I know he loves me, but sometimes that is just not enough. I'm coming to the painful realization that no matter how hard you try relationships don't always work even when you believe that you want them to. It has to be a two sided thing and there is a whole lot of one side working on this one. My parents are well, my parents. My dad has never been one for long talks or extreme closeness and well my mom has her life to live. And although I'm an important part, I'm not the ONLY part.

The thing is I can't even run to my best friends house and have a few drinks and complain about it all to her, because she is on the other side of the country. At the moment her life is really complicated (she might lose her job) and my problems seem like nothing more than petty. I'm going to work on shutting this pity party down, because it is not becoming at all. Then I'm going to have a major conversation AGAIN with my boyfriend and see where this once fantastic relationship is going.

Heads up..

If you live in the Toronto area here's a sale tip for you. Tomorrow the Proctor and Gamble Warehouse sale starts at the International Centre, go to the building 6 entrance. The sale runs from November 16 - 30 and is open from 10am-6pm on weekends and 11am-8pm during the week. I got to go today because some friends got invites in the mail for a pre-sale. There are tonnes of deals on Cover Girl make-up, diapers, feminine hygiene products, shampoo/conditioner, Tide, Mr. Clean, Febreeze, Bounty Paper Towels, Charmin, cat/dog food, Secret and Old Spice Deodorant. The stuff I got would have easily cost me over $150 and I got it all for $80. Once you are through the P&G sale there is an additional section where you can get clothes, linens, household items, and there is a large Neutrogena section with face wash and moisturizer super cheap, under $10 each. If you've never been to this sale go....you'll walk away with something for sure.

Why Remember?

"We must remember. If we do not, the sacrifice of those one hundred thousand Canadian lives will be meaningless. They died for us, for their homes and families and friends, for a collection of traditions they cherished and a future they believed in; they died for Canada. The meaning of their sacrifice rests with our collective national consciousness; our future is their monument."
(Heather Robertson, A Terrible Beauty, The Art of Canada at War. Toronto, Lorimer, 1977.)
On Remembrance Day (or Veterans Day for Americans) I had a few conversations with people that I work with, who just happen to be young. And I was baffled and extremely disappointed with their ignorance in regards to Remembrance Day. One even said to me "I don't like to celebrate war!" I must have missed the celebration part of this solemn day. I've never walked around with a party hat and a noise maker on this day. I use the day to remember all those who have sacrificed their lives for my country and other countries around the world. I think about my grandfathers who fought in the wars and lived to tell the story of their experience. I use the day to think about how lucky I am to live in Canada and be sheltered from the horrible events that surround a war.
I know that people are entitled to their opinion and they can choose whether or not to mark Remembrance Day in any way, but I think a kind of ignorance has set in with some people (not just the young). They have been either completely misinformed or are totally ignorant as to what this day represents. It saddens me beyond belief that this day is not in the very least respected by some. Whether or not you believe in war, it is out there and it has happened in the past and the men and women who fight these wars are braver then I'll ever be. To all of them regardless of country I say THANK-YOU and I give you the respect and admiration that I think you deserve. If you disagree with me that is fine you are entitled to your opinion and this with pride is mine.

Lest we forget...

Thank-you to all soldiers around the world who have given their lives and continue to fight to protect the freedom that we have.

Paris

Not so long ago I had the pleasure of getting to go to Paris for a second time. It was only 4 short days, (as part of a longer trip) but I soaked up everything that I could. As I have made it known I love Toronto, but if I were to live anywhere overseas it would be Paris. I can't get enough of the beauty of Paris. I have heard people speak ill of the City of Lights and I am always flabbergasted. How could you not love this?

A picture of the Eiffel Tower definitely does not do it justice. I'm going to give my favourite things to do in Paris, (in no particular order, just must do's).

1) The Musee D'Orsay is a must in my opinion it's way better than the Louvre, (get a Paris Museum Card, it'll pay for itself in no time). It houses Whistler's Mother, Renoir's Le Bal au Moulin de la Galette, countless Monet's and other wonderful paintings and sculptures.

2) L'Orangerie, it's in the Jardin des Tuileries and has the largest of Monet's Water Lilies paintings and a fair impressionists collection.

3) Pay the extra Euros and go to the very top of the Eiffel Tower, it's worth it. Don't forget to stop on levels 1 & 2 for some gifts or a coffee.

4) Shop and on the Champs-Élysées. Bring some extra money and treat yourself to something special along this famous street. Or just window shop and stop for a bite in one of the many cafes and people watch as you sip your coffee.

5) Take a cruise along the Seine at dusk and watch Paris light up. Don't take any pictures, just watch the beauty of city.

6) If it's reasonably warm outside take a picnic to Luxembourg Garden. With Luxembourg Palace as a backdrop and children playing with boats in the large fountain you'll have a fun and relaxing time. If you take a walk around you will find a replica Statue of Liberty.

7) The Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame and the Arc De Triomphe are both a must of course. The stairs at the Arc and the Notre-Dame are definitely a good workout but the view of the city is definitely worth it from all of these points.

8) Walk, walk, walk. There is no better way to discover Paris then by foot. We took the Metro (another must) to the furthest point we had to go and then wandered throughout the city and discovered great little restaurants and shops and the neighbourhoods are just mesmerizing.

I'm sure there are many out there with different ideas about their favourites, but these are definitely mine for the time being. I'm sure that the next time I go they will all change. I am already planning on going for a longer period. I'm counting down the days.

I hate to say hate, so I'll say dislike immensely.

There is this one girl that I work with that is just one of those people that gets under my skin. At work I try my best to get along with people, just because it just makes life there that much easier. Ever since she started I've had this aversion to her, but even with that first impression I tried to like her but it is utterly impossible. You know those people that are so fake you just want to shake them? She's one of those but with a lot of narcissism and hypocritical attitude thrown in for good measure. She is constantly saying that none of us should talk about people behind their backs, which everyone does (I'll say it to your face too in the nicest possible way), but yet every time I bring up this girl who we used to work with us, she always has a catty comment ready. I swear that she rehearses them in the mirror for days on end just waiting for me to say her name. I mean if you don't like someone fine, but to have such emotion each time their name is mentioned is odd to me. It just seems like a waste of time and energy to express such things about a person you hate, (her word not mine). I don't know why anyone would even want to expend that amount of time on a person that doesn't "seem" to matter to them. I do know I could never be friends with this girl outside of work. I think that I would constantly worry what was being said about me when my back was turned, and who needs friends like that?

On the mend.

So "the talk" went surprisingly well. We had such an honest and open discussion about what we were both feeling and going through. I think the vastly different schedules have added a lot of stress for both of us. It's hard to keep things alive when you don't even see each other.
We are going to try to co-ordinate days off if at all possible and make the most of the time we are together. Things aren't back to where they used to be but I know that we can make it back to that point and for the first time in a long time I'm excited about our relationship and where we are going.
People always say that the spark goes away but I think that if it's meant to be it's always there, it just needs a little encouragement. I mean I still feel the butterflies and think about how lucky I am everyday, even during the bad times I'll look over at him and my heart swells. I know...I know it sounds REALLY corny but it's true. I never in a million years thought that I would be the corny type, but I guess there is a little bit of that in everybody.

Crossroads...

My dad called me today just to let me know that he loves me, apparently he felt that I might need to hear that today. It made my day, which had been long and annoying until then and I did need to hear that.
I should actually say that it made my week, even though the week is only just beginning. It's been one of those weeks where all I want to do is curl up in a ball under my covers and sleep every single day away. My i-Pod playlist is nothing but sad songs.
The mood is mainly due to the immense amount of thinking that I have been doing about my boyfriend and I. Our relationship has hit that crossroads that many relationships hit at some point and time. If we go one way it will be disaster but the other is nothing but bliss, well as close as you can get in the real world that is.
All my friends would say that I am being my usual over analytical self but sometimes when you know you just know. We have reached the point where we are communicating very little. He is the silent let it simmer until it blows type. I think that we need to have "the talk" before it's too late. Which by the way is hard to do when you work opposite schedules. Some days I honestly forget what he looks like.
If you would have asked me a couple months ago I would have told you there was no way the two of us would ever be at this point. He is the only man that I have ever pictured the white dress, house and babies with. I was always the no marriage, no kids type of gal and he changed all that. I finally understood what people meant when they said, just wait until you meet "The one," then you'll understand.
My heart aches at the prospect of this all ending and even just typing about it I have tears flowing down my cheeks. The feelings are all still there. To this day I get butterflies when he smiles and it's just for me or even when I hear his voice on the phone. But lately when I look at him the reflection of those feelings is gone completely from his eyes and I have no idea on how to get that back.

He's coming in now, wish me luck.

I have this theory...

It is no secret to those I know that I love Toronto. I was born and raised here and although if I needed to I could live somewhere else, this city will always be my home.

I think that Toronto gets a bad rap, people think that we are all rude, inconsiderate and have a severe lack of manners. A few years back I had a discussion with a woman I work with who agreed with this view of Toronto. It was during the course of this discussion that I formed my theory about the rude people of Toronto. Let me preface this by saying I know that there are people who were born here that are rude and I also know that not everybody from outside the city is rude.

The theory is that the rude people of Toronto aren't "Torontonians" they are people who have moved here for whatever reason and think that since they are in the "Big City" they should have a big city attitude. I was born here and I'm not rude. I hold doors for people, I give up my seat on the bus/streetcar/subway for people that need it more than me, I don't push unless someone from behind pushes me into you, if someone asks me for directions I gladly help them and sometimes even walk them there.

The woman at work thought that I was crazy and I guess that I don't blame her for this, Toronto has definitely garnered a bad reputation over the years. So together we decided to start asking customers who were really nice, and those that were extremely rude where they were from.

She kept track of this tally in a little notebook she always has on her, because she has more face to face interaction with customers. And guess what? Drum Roll please over three years...of the rude people she asked (232) over 85% of them were NOT from Toronto, they were from smaller cities in Ontario and out west mostly and on a side note there was only 2 from the east coast. Of the really nice people asked (213) 79% of them were from Toronto and she asked if they were from the city or part of the greater spectrum of the GTA and they all said the city.

Now granted this isn't a perfect study but I like to think of it as a little bit of validation that my city, my home isn't full of rude, inconsiderate people. Well it may be full of them but according to my co-workers survey they weren't born here.

Love this background

I'm not good enough with HTML to create my own background yet so I did a Google search and found this one. I LOVE IT!!! There are plenty more to choose from here http://simplychicblogs.blogspot.com/. I may change this background all the time now!

Not sure why I'm writing about this.

I sat down to write a entry today and had no idea what to write. Then a memory came to my mind out of nowhere. It was the flash of my mom running by my childhood bedroom. Not the nicest of memories but a memory none the less. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. You see my dad wasn't always one of the nicest people on the planet. He was a pretty big drunk when I was a kid. To this day I am absolutely amazed that my mom put up with him for all those years. I used to look forward to the days when she'd had enough and decided to kick him out, it would mean peace and quiet for a least for a few days. I think that my brother (one of them) still holds these times against my dad. I guess that it's harder on boys missing out on that father/son time when they are so impressionable.
My father has done a lot of growing, apologizing and drying up over the years. He is so far removed from that man of my childhood memories that I can't believe that they are the same person. I still cry easiest around him even at my age. If you knew me you would know that I'm pretty stoic, I hate to cry because so many people use it as a crutch. But if I'm feeling down and my dad asks what's wrong the waterworks starts. So I guess that you could say I'm a daddy's girl...just a little bit.
I couldn't tell you all that went on between my parents, I don't know if my father was one of those men that hit his wife. I do know that I used to look for bruises whenever I could and never saw any. There was a kid in my school who was beat by his parents who had bruises everywhere, so I thought that I knew what I was looking for. I've never had the courage to ask my mom. Mainly because I don't want to hear a yes. Because then I would be forced to look at my dad in an entirely different way. But most of all I don't think I could handle the pain of realizing exactly what my mom went through to keep her family together.

I'm convinced that she kept taking him back because she thought that it was best for us and it was what women did, hid their pain and powered through the difficult times the best they could. It may not be what any of us would do now, not that we can say for sure if we haven't been in a situation like hers or millions of other women out there. Regardless I see my mom as the bravest person I've met and not just because of the things that happened when I was a kid but because of all that she has gone through including and beyond those moments in time.

Where's the sharp stick?

Have you ever had one of those days at work where you rather poke your eyes out then stay one minute longer??? I work in retail (while going to school PT) and most days I go in expecting someone to be supremely stupid. Today I had someone that wanted to return something that they had purchased over ONE YEAR ago because it didn't work anymore. She was adamant that return policies were only if you didn't want an item anymore!!! WTF!!! Apparently if something breaks after a year of use I'm obligated by LAW to return it. Man I missed that rule in training.

After refusing to return it and about 20 minutes of her arguing with me she grabbed her cellphone and called Head Office (which I gladly gave to her). As it was ringing she kept telling me that I was going to get fired and if I wasn't she was going to sue my company. The really scary thing is that I think that she was completely serious and truly believed that she would have me fired by the time she hit end. The phone call ended and she walked out without a word. Much to my chagrin I still have to go to work on Monday and deal with all the madness that occurs on a daily basis.

As stupid as that 20 minutes was the rest of the day was b-o-r-i-n-g!!!! I usually don't work weekends and now I know why, it is so DEAD!! I could have counted the customers on one hand by 2pm and we opened at 9am. I was seriously considering grabbing a pencil and poking my eyes out for fun. I think that I will avoid weekends at all costs from this point forward. Well it is now time to finish the glorious task of laundry....yay...way more exciting then work was today.

Frivolous things

Missoni Home has some beautiful patterns and colours and these two (Jill top Zig Zag bottom) are only a very small selection of what I would love to have in my home.

Anyone who knows me knows that I can't walk past a coach store without going in. This bag is the Zoe, love the colour. Mind you I love most Coach bags.

The Jorja Fox bag from Matt and Nat. Love Matt and Nat. I have this bag in grey and wish that I had all the other colours. For the animal lovers out there all Matt and Nat bags are "Vegan Leather."

Anything by Kate Spade, she is a handbag designer genius. This is the London Kieran. There are few bags in this green that I'm absolutely in love with. I wouldn't mind owning a couple. The Savona Paige below is another.

9:59pm

Ok, so it's almost 10pm on a Tuesday night and I'm 30 years old writing my first ever blog entry. I won't promise that this blog will be witty or very interesting for you but I'll try my best. I have always been lousy at keeping up with things like this, you know journals, diaries and the like. You may read about annoying people I've met today, my relationship or loads of other things that just run through my mind. Hopefully it doesn't bore you too much. Enjoy.
Tonight I sit at home ALONE, although I don't live alone. As of late it feels as if I do. I guess you can say we've fallen into a "rut" for the lack of a better term. We've been together for 3 years and already "old married couple" syndrome has kicked in. I can't remember the last time anything fun happened in the bedroom or anywhere else for that matter. He works all the time and hates his job and isn't afraid to complain about it constantly. I'm all for listening to those that you love and giving advice where needed but there comes a point when you feel helpless and when your advice constantly gets shot down you slowly stop caring.
I think that is enough whining for tonight let's leave the rest of the exciting details for another time.