I sat down to write a entry today and had no idea what to write. Then a memory came to my mind out of nowhere. It was the flash of my mom running by my childhood bedroom. Not the nicest of memories but a memory none the less. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. You see my dad wasn't always one of the nicest people on the planet. He was a pretty big drunk when I was a kid. To this day I am absolutely amazed that my mom put up with him for all those years. I used to look forward to the days when she'd had enough and decided to kick him out, it would mean peace and quiet for a least for a few days. I think that my brother (one of them) still holds these times against my dad. I guess that it's harder on boys missing out on that father/son time when they are so impressionable.
My father has done a lot of growing, apologizing and drying up over the years. He is so far removed from that man of my childhood memories that I can't believe that they are the same person. I still cry easiest around him even at my age. If you knew me you would know that I'm pretty stoic, I hate to cry because so many people use it as a crutch. But if I'm feeling down and my dad asks what's wrong the waterworks starts. So I guess that you could say I'm a daddy's girl...just a little bit.
I couldn't tell you all that went on between my parents, I don't know if my father was one of those men that hit his wife. I do know that I used to look for bruises whenever I could and never saw any. There was a kid in my school who was beat by his parents who had bruises everywhere, so I thought that I knew what I was looking for. I've never had the courage to ask my mom. Mainly because I don't want to hear a yes. Because then I would be forced to look at my dad in an entirely different way. But most of all I don't think I could handle the pain of realizing exactly what my mom went through to keep her family together.
My father has done a lot of growing, apologizing and drying up over the years. He is so far removed from that man of my childhood memories that I can't believe that they are the same person. I still cry easiest around him even at my age. If you knew me you would know that I'm pretty stoic, I hate to cry because so many people use it as a crutch. But if I'm feeling down and my dad asks what's wrong the waterworks starts. So I guess that you could say I'm a daddy's girl...just a little bit.
I couldn't tell you all that went on between my parents, I don't know if my father was one of those men that hit his wife. I do know that I used to look for bruises whenever I could and never saw any. There was a kid in my school who was beat by his parents who had bruises everywhere, so I thought that I knew what I was looking for. I've never had the courage to ask my mom. Mainly because I don't want to hear a yes. Because then I would be forced to look at my dad in an entirely different way. But most of all I don't think I could handle the pain of realizing exactly what my mom went through to keep her family together.
I'm convinced that she kept taking him back because she thought that it was best for us and it was what women did, hid their pain and powered through the difficult times the best they could. It may not be what any of us would do now, not that we can say for sure if we haven't been in a situation like hers or millions of other women out there. Regardless I see my mom as the bravest person I've met and not just because of the things that happened when I was a kid but because of all that she has gone through including and beyond those moments in time.
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